I’m a fraud.
It’s true. In fact, we all are. We are all living a lie. An illusion.
But before I get to that, I want to just thank the inspiration behind this blog post.
This past week was a big week for me. It was bigger than I intended it to be. I’ve shared in previous blogs my love/hate relationship with video. And in the past couple of months, something bit me in the butt and said F*#% it! We’re just gonna do this.
I started doing monthly live money breakthrough coaching on video calls in January as an added membership bonus for my Facebook Group Community, Unlocking the Heart of Money.
Recently, I was also inspired to do a Facebook live video for my community, after all my word this year is COMMUNION, whom I challenged to do a 5-Day Manifest Challenge with me. It was a valid excuse to do a first Facebook Live video and I was both comforted and honored to lead the challenge and step way out of my comfort zone in so many levels.
Due to some streak of internet connection luck, depending on how you see it, my live feed froze at first attempt. When I re-connected, I was high as a kite and begging viewers to come back, haha, except unbeknownst to me, the video was livestreaming from my personal wall…
I talked to what I thought was an intimate audience very playfully and unguarded… My intention and focus was to connect with my 5-Day Manifest Challengers. I could see there were viewers, but I couldn’t see their posts.
Viewing the replay, I felt so sorry for the part of me that was excited to go to a party but felt left alone to entertain myself… I remember babbling and feeling confused at technology, wanting so much to connect with the viewers, which was my intention going on FB live to begin with.
I kept going coz despite not seeing their reactions, I could feel the strong connection with my audience. Finally, I got a text from my friend that reassured me there were hearts, comments and reactions and that I was coming through crisp and clear.
Only then did I completely let go so I can deliver the instructions to the game. All in all, except for the unmet desire to interact with the 5-Day Manifest Challengers, I had a really great time, unprecedented video experience teaching a topic I am so passionate about.
Except… I had to later deal with the shock that my first facebook live video, in all my giddiness and excitement and kinda “out there” teaching, was livestreaming not just to a handful, but to hundreds of family and friends and their friends.
Shock, awe and… flow. It took me a couple of times watching the replay to recover. I wondered about still having family and friends left. But in the end, I was proud of myself for speaking my truth, and stepping up and stepping out.
On the video, I instructed the 5 Day Manifest challengers to do an exercise that produced tremendous awareness for me.
In doing the exercise, the young part of me, the one that prayed and prayed and wanted to die when I was a kid whenever there was a distressful situation at home, the same one who resurrected during my battle with depression and dark night of the soul, showed up again.
You can just imagine my excitement to finally embrace this part of me back to the oneness and wholeness of who I am… I shared on video that finally, I was able to tell this part of me, “you don’t have to die”. I was sooooooo thrilled and ecstatic to finally be free.
Then two things happened right after my Facebook Live video.
First, I received an email from a supposed admirer lusting after my body which I thought was a crafty, predatory email. Had I been vulnerable, I would have fallen hard on his carefully chosen word describing what delicious things he would do to my body if I gave him a chance to meet.
I exposed the letter online to warn others of its predatory intent and was shocked that not everyone saw it from my perspective. More shocking was a very angry response from one of my supposed Facebook friends whose picture is one of Buddha’s and who viciously attacked me.
That person called me a fraud, among other things, and in lightning speed managed to spam my business and personal pages, and took great lengths to go to my website and deliver a message to save me from my lack of basic integrity and self responsibility.
I was surprisingly calm. I’ve learned long ago from several mentors that there will always be haters, hecklers and trolls, but my goodness, is this the price of stepping up and stepping out of my comfort zone?
I refuse to believe so.
Hurt people hurt people. That person must have been so triggered to react that way. And I admit I was also very triggering in my response. Although I didn’t take it personally, I also couldn’t just shrug my shoulders and pretend my world did not just get disrupted.
For me, everything that happens is both a learning and teaching moment.
People who give us problems and heartbreaks are bearers of eternal gift. ~ Tess Vergara
So I wrote a F*#% You letter to that person. I was not upset but for heaven’s sake I just got assaulted online. Last thing I want is for that kind of energy to linger in my field. I accessed any tinge of anger or darkness, unexpressed and unresolved, and gave it voice, so it can lay to rest.
This is a peace process I teach my clients. One should not sweep their emotions under the rug.
The next step I did was wrote a F*#% You letter to the part of me that just showed up again. The one that keeps wanting to die. That same one who keeps bailing on me, abandoning me, and had caused me more trouble than I have space to write in in this blog post.
It went like this:
F*% You! How did that feel? Did you like being ousted in public like that? It’s true! You are a fraud. You lack personal responsibility. You try to save everyone else but abandon me. You are always quitting on me! How dare you?………. I want you back. I really need you.
(Response) F*% You Too! How endearing of you to f*#% me off and then tell me you need me? Well, why bother living? Nothing ever turns out right! Nobody cares. Even you don’t give a shit. Nobody does……….. I am tired. I am tired of running away. I want to come home.
… and so on, and so forth… until they come to a peaceful agreement and integration.
Again, this is a very strategic tool, not to further divide and separate, but meant to integrate all parts of the self so it can come to a place of peace, harmony, a space where every emotion and feeling has a right to be, and from that place, unity, and be at one with All That Is.
Yes, I am a fraud. Of course I am. I’d been denying myself the goodness of all that I Am. I have been pretending to play small and voiceless and powerless so I can kill myself proving to the world that I am worthy and enough.
No more. No more of this bullshit. No more pretending.
I am enough. You are enough.
I am worthy. You are worthy.
I may every now and then succumb to the human nature of limitation, fear and isolation… but as long as I am conscious, awake and aware, I will always choose to live in alignment with the truth of who I Am. That’s the basic integrity I live by.
When I had my awakening several years ago, I promised myself that I will die trying to stay awake. Not always easy. But every single day, I make a commitment to freedom, awakening and enlightenment.
Ever so consciously, ever so deliberately, I choose with every breath to every single moment create my reality in love, light and joy.
Because I am Divine.
And you are, too.